I’m so ready to recover. I’m struggling. I didn’t think I would admit it that me the strong would admit to being so broken and alone. I thought I would be better by now, I haven’t been the same since my breakdown in 2017, i can’t remember the exact date anymore but it was December I think the 13th. I thought I would come back from that well I never did and I don’t know if I ever will. Recovery hasn’t been easy and I am not sure i’ve even made much progress.

I thought I’d be in a better place by now, but I am not. I didn’t realise how slow a progress recovery really is and that’s something I want everyone to know that recovery doesn’t happen over night, it happens over years and years of practice and therapy and medication. Recovery isn’t easy and I don’t think it’ll ever be because self destruct is much easier than keeping things together. However, keeping safe is something I am learning. Distraction methods and self soothing methods have been my main go to. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy because at first I thought what a load of bullshit distraction methods were but they work at times and I didn’t really go back from there, I’ll always rely on distraction and self sooth now because they are something that help me manage a crisis.

I am making progress it’s just hard to see, when you’ve been through so much hurt and trauma it can be hard to see any progress. I haven’t acted on urges for a while now even after experiencing another trauma. I’m still managing the thoughts of wanting to hurt myself but I am doing them in a safe way, I might not be handling them the best that I can but it’s still a lot better than I had ever done before. Okay so i’m partially lying because my urges are so strong right now but here I am using a distraction method as i write this.  Blogging is part of my distraction it’s something I started doing the night of my breakdown. The night that made me realise I wasn’t handling my traumas or emotional baggage as well as I once could.

Recovery has been so challenging but I reckon eventually all my hard work will pay off. I’ll start to notice a difference. It’s not going to be easy to recover and there’s going to be days I am going to want to quit and self destruct but I’m just not going to give up that easily no matter how strong my urges are they aren’t worth an answer to, I deserve to recover. I might relapse but nobody is perfect, relapse is a perfectly normal part of recovery and life. No one can go through life and not break and if they do then I don’t know what their secret is but I would prefer to have a life of resilience than a boring life where I don’t experience any true life lessons.

I am going to recover and no i’m not going to recover for the sake of others or for the sake of my dog. I am going to recover for myself because I rely on myself more than anyone else in this world and I deserve to at least recover for myself.

Hannah x


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